Amnesty Greetings Card Campaign

Baby P

I have found this week really difficult. I often feel like I'm suffering a bit of winter depression at this time of year anyway, it's getting darker and colder and spring seems so far away. I find that it gets more and more difficult to control my emotions. But the winter stuff is normal and predictable, and just like child birth, it may be tough physically but knowing their will also be a predictable ending makes it a lot less tough mentally. However, a few things this year are making it more difficult to cope with and the depth of my emotions far less predictable. I hate my job. Not the kids. Working with kids is unbelievably rewarding. But the pressure I get to achieve exam results, when most other subjects 'cheat' (GNVQs, BTECs, fast-tracking, one-to-one mentoring etc.), can become unbearable. If someone were to record my stress levels at work I imagine they would probably be able to give me a fairly accurate figure of how much shorter my life will be if I carry on working to 65!
Anyway, one or two other things have been contributing to making me feel down, although that is the word that roles off the tongue but is not the word that most accurately describes how I am feeling. I feel like I have all the normal feelings but each one is more extreme. If feel sad, I feel consumed, if I feel happy I feel exuberant. But these feelings make me want to cry, so a normal everyday feeling of happiness or sadness finds me trying desperately to try to change the subject in my head because the lump in my throat is about to put me in an embarrassing situation.
I have been having feeling of inadequacy, like I am all talk and no action but I lack the confidence to act upon some of my beliefs and not acting makes me feel worse when my feelings are already quite extreme. So I started doing a little bit of charity work at school, setting up a little enterprise run by kids who have problems with self esteem or socialising.
Then the story of Baby P has hit the headlines. A story of unimaginable cruelty. And someones unimaginable incompetence in leaving that poor, poor child in that situation. I didn't want to hear the details, I was upset enough. I joined and regularly contribute to NSPCC in the hope that I can make a little bit of a difference. But on Thursday a child in my classroom told me some of the torture that was inflicted on this defenceless child. I wanted to cry and screams and bash those peoples heads against a wall who could find satisfaction or pleasure in doing these cruel things. It was open evening so I had to hold my feelings in until about 8.15 when I dropped a girl off at home (a delightful girl who copes incredibly well despite having a malicious elder brother and a drug addicted mother). Since then I have hardly been able to think about anything else. I could hardly sleep on Thursday. God, I hope someone learns lessons from this. It makes me want to take in every poor neglected child and give them love. Love which is so desperately needed by so many young people today.

Racism by fear of racism.

Some year8 kids came to see me in my classroom at break time yesterday. They were really concerned for a new boy in their next lesson who is black. They had been watching Roots in their history lesson, and would be watching it again in their next lesson, and as they told me the 'N' word is used a lot. They thought he might be offended by it. I tried to reassure them. I suggested first of all that they discuss it with their teacher and perhaps she could have a little discussion about how people felt. Secondly I told them that I thought the boy would understand that it was not supposed to be offensive and that it is showing how people have behaved historically. They were not convinced so I suggested that they ask the opinion of my colleague Chris who is black. This was a brave step for me - usually any mention of race in front of Chris and I feel accutely embarrassed, silly really. The girls were enthusiastic about they idea and we went off to speak to Chris. I was so impressed with the girls because they put their point in such a mature manner, unperturbed by Chris's colour, and listened carefully to what he thought. He didn't believe that the boy would be offended for similar reasons to those I had put. I was so pleased that the problem had been resolved in this manner. I work in a predominantly white school in which a few years ago was often upset by the racist attitudes of some of the pupils. I was also pleased that I had tested myself and had managed to come through unscathed, that is without blood rushing to my cheeks. I worry sometimes that too often we are actually being racist by being afraid if mentioning the colour of a persons skin. Chris has the same surname as another teacher in this school. Myself like everyone else in the school refer to them as 'cooking Mr T' and 'art Mr T'. Never is Chris called 'black Mr T'. That would be the more obvious distinction but too often we fear being accused of racism just by mentioning the colour of a persons skin!

http://www.nationaltrustnames.org.uk/

http://www.nationaltrustnames.org.uk/

Interesting web site for finding out where most people live with the same surname as you - as long as your surname isn't too common.

I've been digging the garden today. I always seem to find myself singing 'if I wanted to be a farmers wife, I would endure that muddy life, I would dig for victory' when I'm in my wellies. I turned over two huge compost bins. Double satisfaction - good for the environment and good for my body. It's getting harder to keep it under control (the garden or my body!).
Tess and Millie played at making pies with the ashes from the fire that we had on Wednesday (Bonfire Night). We had our big Bonfire Night last Saturday which I'm glad about. We discussed having it today but it's chucking it down. Hope there aren't too many having their party tonight - I've heard a few fireworks going off.
Playing snooker tonight. I'll be making a serious attempt at improving my highest break - 16!
I read a fare bit of 'The Week' magazine while Tess and Martha were having their dance lessons this morning. Hilarious little story in the 'It must be true...I read it tin the tabloids' section - "A Vicar in Sheffield has had to undergo surgery to remove a potato from his bottom. The unnamed cleric told nurses he had been hanging curtains in the nude in his kitchen when he fell backwards on to the table, and impaled himself on a tuber" - what a picture! Also read a bit about Alan Greenspan - now there's a name that ought to roll off the tongue a lot more easily than Russel Brand and Jonathan Ross! I was almost moved to tears by this: 'To prove once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope." Before Barack Obama I didn't believe anyone could convince me that over 50% of Americans were not war mongering, self obsessed, blind patriots. Thanks Barack. Please don't let us down.

Dear Clare Short

I have decided to do this blog because there are things that I feel and want to say but no one that I can say them to. I'm probably going to sound a bit like a teenager now but I worry that people are going to say I'm too political or pushy in my views. They would probably be right but now they can choose whether or not to read my views or whether to respond or not to my views and maybe have an interesting conversation. It won't just be about my views although they are important to me. I would also like to share experiences and photos with you. When I say 'you' it is in the old fashioned way of giving a diary a name. I've called my diary clare short because I have been reading her book 'An Honourable Deception' and it made me want to ask questions or say how I felt at the time of the Twin Towers and afterwards. I am not suggesting that I am talking directly to her through my blog, but maybe sharing my thoughts with a like minded person.